


Not Sure What To Say

by 1creativeusernameplease



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Communication, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Dean Winchester is Loved, Episode Fix-It: s15e19 Inherit the Earth, Feelings, Hugs, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e19 Inherit the Earth, Self-Worth Issues, cas comes back, dean winchester has trouble with words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:34:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27746053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1creativeusernameplease/pseuds/1creativeusernameplease
Summary: Before Jack leaves Earth forever, Dean asks for his best friend back. He needs to clarify some things that the angel said.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 121





	Not Sure What To Say

“Jack, wait!” Dean called. He left Sam’s side and approached the Nephilim slowly. Jack turned and gazed at him curiously. Dean cleared his throat, trying to keep his emotions in check. “Did you… did you bring Cas back, too?” His heart sped at the possibility. He just wanted to see him again. 

“No,” Jack said.

Dean swallowed his panic down. “Why?”

“He’s in the Empty. He is resting, he is at peace,” Jack explained as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. 

_ No.  _ Dean thought.  _ No. This wasn’t right.  _

“But is he happy?” Dean asked, his voice softer than usual. He took a step forward. 

“What do you mean?” Jack cocked his head to the side and he looked so much like Cas that Dean nearly stumbled over himself. The ache in his chest that had been growing since he lost Cas strengthened. It made his head hurt and his fingers stiff. He just needed to see him again. 

“He-he’s not  _ happy, _ ” Dean said. His hands shook but his gaze was strong. Still, he hesitated before he spoke. Cas’s confession had shaken him, but he wasn’t afraid. His next words were quiet but sure. “I could make him happy.”

Jack searched his eyes deeply. He wondered how much Jack understood, if he was omniscient now, if he knew what Cas had said to him before he died. He wondered if Jack could see his soul. 

“Yes,” he finally said. “Yes, I think you could.”

Hope rose in Dean’s chest, warm and prickly, warding against his own self-doubt for a moment.

“Could he make you happy?” Jack asked.

Dean swallowed. His first reaction was to shout an affirmation. Yes, of course, Dean would be happier if Cas was back. If he was alive. But deep down he knew that’s not what Jack was asking. He thought of the times Cas made him smile, made him laugh. The times when he was around and Dean could finally relax because Cas made him feel safe. He remembered the way Cas gave Dean hope that there was more to life than dying.

“Yes, I think so,” Dean said. 

Jack narrowed his eyes slightly, searching for more. 

“I know he will,” Dean said. He felt like he was going to be sick. “Please, just… I need him.”

Jack smiled slightly. “Yes, you do.”

Dean stared at him, his breath caught in his throat. 

“Tell him that I’m well. He will worry.”

Dean nodded numbly. His nausea was only slightly lessened. Did this mean Cas was coming back? When? Where? Was he okay? He watched Jack give one final nod before he turned once more and started walking away. Dean followed his form until his body began to shine too bright, and then in a flash, he was gone. 

Dean looked around.  _ Where is he? _ He would be here, where he could see him. He could be in the bunker but that would be cruel of Jack to make him wait. Dread engulfed him for a moment. Jack wouldn’t be cruel, would he? He wouldn’t get Dean’s hopes up like that and then not deliver. 

Dean spun around in a circle, his eyes wide and wild, searching every detail of the street around him, aching for the sight of that stupid trench coat. 

His eyes glanced over Sam’s concerned face. “Dean?”

“Where is he?” His voice came out rough. 

“Who?” Sam looked on in bewilderment. 

“Cas goddammit! Jack said he’d bring him back!”

Sam raised his hands in a placating gesture. “Okay, okay, calm down, just -”

“Dean,” a voice behind him said.

Dean’s heart nearly stopped. His legs felt like they were about to collapse under his body weight.  _ Please, please, please be real.  _ He didn’t think he could survive another trick. 

“Sam.” Cas’s voice sounded surprised. 

Dean turned slowly with his eyes closed. When he opened them, Castiel stood ten feet away from him in front of the Impala like it was straight out of one of Dean’s dreams. 

His guardian angel. 

“Cas,” he breathed. 

He felt his feet move of their own violation, but the way he wrapped his arms around the angel was intentional. Dean let his eyes close in relief as Cas held him back, steady and sure. Dean pressed them together so tightly that he was sure Cas could feel his heart against his chest but Dean couldn’t find it in him to care. So what if his heart was pounding. It was just proof that they were both alive, together. 

“Cas,” he said again, partly in disbelief, partly because he doesn’t know what else to say. He’d never been good with words but the least he could do was hold on to him for a little bit longer. As long as Cas was okay with it. 

Dean pulled away suddenly at the thought. “Are you okay?” His hands ran down the sides of his arms and back up again. His fingers touched his face briefly before they rested back on his shoulder. Dean looked him over for any injuries, anything that was out of place. 

But he was the same. 

Same backward blue tie, same long trench coat, same dark hair, same striking blue eyes. Those eyes followed Dean’s frantic movements.

“I’m fine, Dean,” Cas said. “Although, I’m not sure how I’m here.” His eyes narrowed. “You didn’t make another deal did you?”

Dean shook his head and he heard Sam jump into an explanation. Dean barely processed what he was saying. He couldn’t take his eyes off his angel. Or his hands for that matter. Both of the angel’s arms were gripped in Dean’s forceful fingers. 

“So you did it,” Cas said after Sam had finished. “You saved the world again.” He smiled at them. 

Dean smiled too. He was shaking, probably from relief. 

“It’s really good to see you, Cas,” Sam said. Cas shifted slightly to acknowledge him and Dean reflexively tightened his grip on the angel’s arm. Cas stilled. 

“Dean?”

Dean forced himself to relax. He let the fabric of the trench coat slip through his fingers. “Let’s go home,” he said. Cas looked into his eyes. Dean couldn’t look away. He’d really missed him. 

Sam cleared his throat awkwardly. “How about I drive.”

Dean fished his keys out of his pocket and gave them to Sam without looking away from Cas. He distantly heard Sam open and close the door to the Impala. 

Cas raised his eyebrows questioningly. “Dean?”

The hunter seemed to realize himself. He was being weird and Cas was noticing. Cas always noticed. He tore his eyes away from the angel, only then allowing them both to climb into the backseat of the Impala. Once they were seated Sam started the car. The familiar rumble of the engine underneath them made the whole situation seem almost normal. The only thing that was different seemed to be Dean’s inability to keep his eyes from straying over to the angel next to him. He couldn’t seem to help himself. He tried to look away, at his hands, at the passing buildings outside the window, he even tried checking his phone for nonexistent messages. Nothing distracted him for long.

Every time he looked at something else he just saw the angel’s final moments projected onto his surroundings. He saw Cas’s tearful smile, his accepting gaze, and the black oozing emptiness that had taken him away. 

But looking at Cas now, you would never know. He looked well. His eyes were bright. His clothes were pressed. His face was freshly shaven as if Jack had tried to make him look brand new, which may have been his goal, Dean didn’t know. 

Cas kept glancing at him with a slightly concerned expression, but he stayed mercifully silent. 

Which was good. Because Dean had to think of something to say and he wanted to get it right. 

Getting Cas back to the land of the living had been step one; his number one priority. It had seemed like such a faraway goal that Dean hadn’t thought to prepare for what came after. 

_ He’s here.  _ Another wave of relief struck the hunter so forcefully that his breath caught in his throat. His lungs sucked in a shaky breath as he tried to normalize his heart rate. 

He had to focus. Really focus. 

Cas had said those things and they needed to be addressed. Acknowledged. Something! Dean’s fists clenched at his sides. 

First, he had to clarify what Cas had meant when he had said that stuff. He had been in the middle of sacrificing himself, emotions were high, words might have gotten lost when being translated into the humanized version of language that Dean could understand. Plus, he wasn’t even sure Cas had known what he was saying. Cas was an angel. They weren’t designed to feel things like humans did. Even if Cas  _ thought _ what he was feeling was some type of… of love, that didn’t necessarily translate to  _ love. _

He was an angel. He was meant to love humanity, love God’s creation. Cas was meant to love humanity even with all of its faults and weaknesses. That was probably what he meant. 

Or maybe Cas had just been talking about familial love, like what he and Sammy had. Dean was sure Cas had picked up on at least that emotion, with all the hunters that they had crossed paths with over the years, all the people they’d let into their lives, all the bodies they’d burned. 

_ That _ type of love, Dean could understand. He could address that no problem. Dean had told him a million times that Cas was part of their family, that he was like a brother to him. A weight in Dean’s chest formed when he remembered what Cas had said.

“ _ The one thing I want, is something I know I can’t have…” _

Dean’s teeth clamped together as he tried to suppress a noise of frustration. Why couldn’t he have just come out and said it? 

_ He did say it,  _ a stupid little voice told him. Dean stomped it down. He couldn’t let himself hope. He doubted if his mind could take another blow like that if his suspicions were unwarranted. 

His eyes traveled over Cas’s profile again. The angel stared out the window, tracking the trees as they passed by. They were getting closer to the bunker. Closer to conversation. He had to think of something to say.

The little voice in his head kept repeating itself. 

_ What if an angel  _ loved  _ him? What if  _ Castiel _ loved him? _

Was that what Dean wanted? Of course, it was better than the alternative but what even went into a romantic relationship with an angel of all things? 

Sex? Dean would be lying if he said he hadn’t had the occasional dream. He’d thought about it before, but was that expected? Was it not? Did Dean care? Not as much as he once would have probably. 

And what about that whole never aging thing? They’d look weird together if Dean ever even got to be that old. But wasn’t that what would have happened anyway?  Dean still would have stuck with Cas until he got old. Even if the angel hadn’t said anything before he died, that had been Dean’s plan. Team Free Will until the end. Until they couldn’t fight anymore. 

Dean bit his lip and forced himself to look away from his friend. 

If he said the wrong thing, would he ruin his friendship? If he ignored the things Cas said would he leave him? Dean couldn’t risk that. 

He needed Cas. That was the bottom line. But how severely remained to be seen. 

The car slowed to a stop inside the bunker’s expansive garage and they all got out of the car silently. Dean watched as Sam turned to look at them both, perhaps trying to get a read on the situation. He hadn’t told Sam what had happened before Cas died but for once, his younger brother seemed to sense when to keep his mouth shut. 

Sam turned to Cas and enveloped him in a tight hug. “It’s good to have you back, Cas.” His voice was loud after so many minutes of silence. Sam released him with a pat on his shoulder then cleared his throat awkwardly and glanced between them again. “I’m gonna go make some calls, make sure everyone is safe.”

Dean only relaxed slightly as he watched his brother exit through the far door. He was glad not to have an audience for what was about to happen next. Though he really didn’t want to risk any interruptions either. 

He swallowed nervously and looked back at Cas. He stared back at him patiently. Dean really didn’t deserve him. 

“Come with me?” Dean phrased it like a question, his nerves getting the better of him. The hunter moved toward the exit. He heard Cas start to follow him. Dean resisted enough to only check behind him once to make sure his angel was following until they came to Dean’s bedroom. He opened the door and gestured for the angel to enter. 

He gave one last look down the corridor before he closed the door behind him. He hesitated a moment before locking it, too. He really didn’t want Sam to interrupt this conversation.

Cas was standing by his bed, looking at the guns mounted on the wall. He didn’t know why he was pretending to be interested in the decoration, but he couldn’t really blame him. He didn’t know what to say either. 

Cas’s eyes drifted back toward the hunter, and Dean was again nearly floored by the relief of just seeing him. He wondered vaguely when that would stop.

“Cas,” he said just to break the silence.

“Dean.”

There was a pause. Dean shuffled a little further into the room. 

“It’s really good to see you,” Dean said. 

Cas smiled back at him. It was a good smile. There were no tears, no goodbyes, just quiet calm. He looked happy. 

A sudden dreadful thought collided with his already anxious mind. 

“Jack said you were at peace -” he said, his eyes wide. “-in the Empty - I told him to drag you out of there - were you-”

“Dean.”

Dean shut his mouth.

“The Empty is nothingness. It is the truest void in the universe. I sensed nothing, I felt nothing. Peace or otherwise.” He cocked his head to the side. “ I am much happier to be here, on Earth, with you.”

Dean swallowed. “With me?” He hated how unsure he sounded, how small.

“Yes, Dean.”

A small puff of air was released from Dean’s lips as his mouth formed the slightest version of a smile. He still didn’t know what to say. 

He never knew what to say. But he had to say something.

He cleared his throat. Just stick to the plan. 

“You uh…” Dean grimaced. Off to a great start. “Before you… left. You said some things.”

Cas lowered his eyes to the floor for a moment. “I did.”

So Cas wasn’t trying to deny anything. Okay. Dean could work with this. 

“I must admit that I never thought I’d get the chance to say them again,” Cas confessed, meeting his gaze once again. 

_ Yeah, me neither. _

Dean wondered what he would have done if Cas hadn’t died two seconds later. If it hadn’t been a life or death situation. If he had had actual time to process the information instead of being left with an empty room and an echoing love confession. He scowled for the first time since he saw his best friend return to life. 

“Yeah, that was kind of a shitty thing to do,” he said.

“Dean?

“You can’t just say all that stuff and then die,” he muttered. His fingers clenched as suppressed emotions started to rise to the surface. 

“Dean, I -”

“What did you think that would do to me?” he asked, his voice getting louder. “What was I supposed to do after you were gone?”

Cas looked distraught, his eyes searching his own, his lips parted in a panicked response that he couldn’t find the words to. 

_ Shit.  _ He was ruining this already. 

“I’m sorry,” Dean said, running a tired hand over his face. “That’s not fair. You literally died to save me and I’m complaining about my…” He trailed off.  _ He loves you. _

Did he? Dean had to know. Now. Once and for all.

“Cas…” Dean forced himself to return his gaze. “You said you love me.”

Cas’s eyes looked even more blue than normal. “I do love you.”

Dean chewed on his lip to stop himself from letting out a hysterical laugh. Still, he felt his lips try and form a small grin without his consent. He had to make sure before he let himself celebrate anything. 

“Like...romantically?” Dean said, his voice small.

Cas squinted at him. “Yes, Dean. What did you think-”

“Okay, okay, just…” Dean needed a moment. He tried to gauge how those words made him feel. Chuck was gone now. What he was feeling was his own. He wanted to make sure it was right.

Did hearing that confirmation make his stomach light? Were there tears forming in his eyes? Had his heart sped at the thought of he and Cas becoming something more?

Yes. 

But was that what Cas was feeling? 

“Are you sure that that’s what you’re feeling, buddy?” Dean asked, wincing at how awkward this conversation was. 

“What?” Cas growled, his voice even deeper than normal. 

Dean’s eye twitched. “I just mean - you’re an angel and - no offense but you’ve messed up human emotions before.”

The blue of Cas’s eyes seemed to turn to a slate gray as he glowered at Dean from underneath his eyebrows. 

“You think I don’t know that I love you?” Cas said softly, almost in disbelief. Dean felt like a nail was going through his heart. “You think I  _ can’t _ love you? Because I’m an angel? Dean, I’ve spent more time with humans than nearly every other angel in the garrison and you think that now after a decade I don’t know what love is?”

He took a step closer, as Dean tried to find the words to defend himself. 

“Or is it that you  can't accept that I love you?” 

There was that word again. Why did it feel like getting stabbed every time it fell from his lips? 

“What else can I do to convince you?” Cas asked, his voice cracking. “I’ve fought for you. I’ve bled and died for you.”

“I know!” Dean cried. “I never asked you to do that.” 

Hadn’t he, though? All those times he prayed to his angel, all those times he asked him to help with whatever shit they’d gotten themselves into that week. All because he couldn’t stand him being away. 

Cas shifted closer so they were only a foot apart. “Dean, of course, I love you.” Dean swallowed down his tears. “And I want you to know.” He looked into his eyes. With a slow, ponderous movement, he lifted his hand and grasped the man’s shoulder. “Do you know?” he whispered. 

Dean felt the grip on his shoulder tighten. It felt good. Safe. Loving. He wanted Cas to feel like he did right now. Wanted and cared for. It’s what he deserved, after everything. He reached up and laid his hand over Cas’s. The angel smiled slightly, but he was still waiting for an answer. 

The hunter nodded as a tear fell from his eye. 

“Good,” Cas breathed. 

They held each other’s gaze until Dean couldn’t take it anymore. He reached out and tugged his best friend into a tight hug. Cas was warm and solid under his hands and he held him back just as forcefully. And if a few more tears fell from Dean’s cheeks he knew Cas wouldn’t mention it. 

He’d missed him so much. 

He felt Cas’s hand stroke his back and Dean let his chin sink into the angel’s shoulder. 

“Cas?”

His hand stilled on his back but he did not pull away. “Yes, Dean?”

Dean was glad Cas couldn’t see his face for this. “You know I’m not always the best with words.” Cas resumed rubbing his back. It felt really good. “And I don’t always say the right thing, but…” Dean took a deep breath. Cas smelled like rain before it fell. 

“I think I love you, too.”

The hand on Dean’s back stilled again. He heard Cas make a soft sound by his ear, almost like a sigh. It made Dean’s knees weak. 

He felt Cas begin to retreat and Dean bit his lip nervously.  _ You said it wrong. _

Cas kept his hands on the hunter’s arms as he gazed at him thoughtfully. “Dean, you don’t have to say anything if you don’t-”

“But I do!” Dean blurted. God, he’d messed this up again. “I do. I can’t - I’m a mess without you, ask Sam. I need you. I’m better with you. I’m happier.”

Cas gazed at him, his eyes wide and glittering. 

“You make me happy,” Dean finished. A weight seemed to lift off his chest as he said those words. Even in the silence that followed, he felt lighter. 

He’d said it. Now Cas knew.

The angel studied him, the tiniest smile on his lips, wonderment in his eyes. Dean shivered when he felt Cas’s fingers on the side of his face, soft and hesitant. 

“You make me happy, too,” Cas said. They smiled at each other. 

“Promise me you won’t leave again,” Dean said. He couldn’t stand to watch his friend die again. Not after all this. 

Cas’s fingers tightened on his arms as if cementing his thoughts. “I’ll always be here, whenever you need me.”

Dean nearly shook from relief. They were free, together. 

“I think I need you right now,” Dean said. Cas looked up at him. 

“I’ll stay with you,” Cas said. And Dean believed him. 

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> So, um, I totally think that Dean reciprocates Cas's love but I've never been able to properly imagine them making out, despite my many, many attempts. This is my in-between and something that could maybe have potentially happened if the writers weren't cowards. 
> 
> If you do leave a comment, let's just all pretend the finale doesn't exist because every time I think about it I burst into hysterical pained laughter. 
> 
> Anyway.... love you all! Hope you enjoyed.


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